The Chronicles of Jimmy Westerson
Everybody knows a person like Jimmy.
He seems to get into these situations, and finds ingenious ways of getting into even more trouble in the process. Some refer to this as "digging yourself out of a hole".
What follows is an entirely true series of events that nobody ever quite seems to believe.
It was pasted from an old post I wrote for a forum, so forgive me if the English isn't the best.
1) Jimmy goes to the snooker club for a pint and a few games of snooker, as he does.
He drives from Banwell into the centre ofWeston-super-mare and finds a space. He parks his car, and goes to play snooker. He returns to his car at the end of a good night to find his car clamped.
Jimmy looks up.
He's parked his car under a "No parking - Clamping in practice" sign.
2) Jimmy fills his car up with petrol, pulls out of the station, and drives along the A370 - A road in Britain.
He decides he to reset his mileage counter to see how many miles he's getting to a tank. He puts his hand through the steering wheel to reset the mileage. He notices a corner approaching. He turns the wheel, but finds he can't because his arm is in the way. He's wrenching at the wheel, but can't turn it any farther, because his arm's stuck. He has to straighten the steering wheel, bump off of the kerb knocking out the car's tracking, and take his arm out to get back onto the road.
3) A few years ago, Jimmy decides he wants to play darts. He throws 3 into the board, (in his garage) pulls them out, and throws them again. He gets bored of throwing 3 darts, getting up and throwing them back in again, so he decides to attach a dart to a piece of string. He throws the dart, pulls the dart back out. Throws the dart, pulls the dart back out. Throws the dart, pulls the dart back out. Hops around the room because he pulled out the dart a little too hard, it's come out of the board, and gone straight into his leg.
4) Jimmy gets drunk with the lads (Myself not included, I was stone cold sober, and had the chance to record this incident), and after the better part of 11 pints, decides he wants to dance. So he staggers onto the dance floor, finds the most stunning girl he can, and starts dancing like a complete monkey in front of her. The girl turns her back. Jimmy continues to dance. Her female companion asks - "Can't you take a hint?". Jimmy replies "Noooope. I've had 11 pints!!!" - And continues to wobble around on the spot.
5) We arrive back at Dave and Allan's place in Redland, Bristol after those 11 pints, and Jimmy gets onto the couch (1 of 3. I am on one, Simon is on another, and Jimmy is obviously on the third), and proceeds to drunkenly get undressed whilst ranting on about whatever pops into his head. I'm meanwhile recording this on my phone in a fit of laughter. When everyone's asleep, (Simon's passed out, and I'm quite tired) I hear the rustle of a plastic bag. It's Jimmy emptying his Tesco bag he used to bring his stuff in. I then hear him proceed to puke the entire contents of his stomach in this bag. Quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever heard, and to this day, I really wish I'd turned on the light, and filmed the whole thing! The following morning, he's extremely hung over. He goes out for some fresh air, inadvertently locking himself out, is sick in a skip, and comes back in after repeatedly ringing the doorbell, and someone getting up to answer it.
He then drives back, despite my asking him if he wanted me to drive. He's just feeling extremely sick now. He drops Simon back at his place in Clevedon - Just outside Bristol, gets half-way to Weston-super-Mare, pulls into a lay-by, throws up on the side of the road, and falls asleep in his car for 4 hours before waking up and going home to be sick some more.
6) Jimmy trips over a concrete step in UWE (The ones they knocked down to put the building in the way of, and are still building now), and the first thing he shouts is "Don't laugh!"
I couldn't help myself.
7) Jimmy's phone goes off in a lecture. He's got it on *loud*, and it's the theme to Star Trek. "****." Says Jimmy as he scrambles for his phone in a now not so silent lecture theatre.
8) Jimmy wanders into the lecture theatre for his morning lecture. Sits down. Puts his bag on the floor. Looks around, gets back up and walks out. He was in the wrong room, and was in a room full of people studying property law. (I was there too, so not quite so good, that one.)
9) Jimmy goes for a pee in a urinal in (Ironically) P block. He starts to pee, and mid-flow, notices the urinal isn't draining. So he cuts 'the stream', and moves over to the next one, and continues. This one's doing the same. He moves over again. Same with this one. He has to cut off the flow one more time, turn around, run into a cubicle, and finish in one of the normal toilets.
10) We'd just finished our analytical modelling exam, and it was Jimmy's turn to drive. We're waiting for Craig to finish his exam, and Dave can't help but notice a very pretty girl walking past, but with abnormally large breasts. Dave says quite loutishly - "Christ! Look at the size of those!!!". Jimmy exclaims "Jeeeeeeeeeeeeesus. They're massive tits! Like sandbags!!!". He then realises that his window is down. He pushes the switch in a panic to try to make it go back up. *WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEE*
Jimmy tries to push the window up to make it go up faster. The girl's already noted it, and is directing dagger eyes in his direction. I don't know about you, but I laughed for days.
11) We're in Weston College, asking our lecturer if he'd had the chance to mark our assignments. He accidentally drops his papers on the floor. Jimmy says "I bet you feel like a right twat now, don't you". He pauses, and then says "Hey... What did I get for my assignment?". The lecturer pauses, and says "Now? A pass".
12) Jimmy is staying over at his (now ex) girlfriend's house. They're in a double bed, and there's a double bed adjacent to them containing two of their friends, Andy and Donna. Also together.
Jimmy and Robyn think that they are asleep, so decide to get down to some serious lovin'. Robyn reaches into the drawer, and pulls out a Durex. She hands it to Jimmy, and he begins to rustle away in the dark. Eventually, he gets frustrated, and rips it clean in half flicking the condom 12 feet across the other side of the room. Instead of quietly fetching another one, by default he shouts "F**K!!", which wakes Donna and Andy up. They turn on the light. "What the hell was that?!"
* Jimmy in bed next to Robyn with an empty condom packet in his hands staring at the missile, which has landed almost exactly between the two beds! *
"Er...."
13) Jimmy needs to make a bonfire to get rid of some old trees etc. He has a 5 gallon tank of petrol to accomplish this task. He makes a heap, and pours some petrol on. He trails the petrol back 12 feet, and lights the trail. The trail of fire leads up to the fire, and whoosh. The fire lights. Sorted.
Jimmy leaves for a second, and when he comes back he notices that the fire has gone out. Over he wanders with his petrol tank (I know what you're thinking), and pours some more petrol on. Little does he know that the burning embers are still going, and whoosh - The fire goes up the stream of petrol he's pouring, and into the tank. As an impulse reaction (He seems to be doing this a lot), he throws the petrol tank away. Right next to his 1950s classic tractor. In a panic, and many explietives, he sprints over and picks the (now lit) tank back up, and throws it on the fire. The tank is fire proof, and is pouring more and more petrol onto the fire. The lit petrol is running down the slope along the mud toward him. Jimmy grabs a shovel, and starts digging a hole for the petrol to go into. He's then putting the petroleum soaked mud onto the fire, which is feeding it even more. Then the hole catches fire. Jimmy takes a step back, realises the devastation he's caused, and the 35 foot high fire he's created, not to mention the now burning hole. He runs into the house, and finds his Grandad. "Gramps.... Hypothetically speaking... If I threw 4 gallons of petrol onto a 35 foot fire, would it blow up and reach the house?". Gramps looks perplexed, and says "I'd better have a look...".
He wanders outside, and sees half the garden on fire. "Oh bugger". He says.
14) Jimmy and his friend Russell are 14. They both have air rifles (Dangerous hands for rifles, I know!), and think it's fun to shoot them at eachother to see how close they can get to eachother without hitting them. Great game! It goes on for a while, and then Russell jumps behind a bush. Without even considering the concequences, Jimmy shoots the bush! Russel jumps out the bush throwing his gun on the floor screaming “you shot me in the *ss!” Jimmy convinces him its nothing and the game should continue. A little while later Russell shoots that little bit too close. He shoots, and Jimmy ducks. It skims the top of Jimmy's head, cutting it open.
He seems to get into these situations, and finds ingenious ways of getting into even more trouble in the process. Some refer to this as "digging yourself out of a hole".
What follows is an entirely true series of events that nobody ever quite seems to believe.
It was pasted from an old post I wrote for a forum, so forgive me if the English isn't the best.
1) Jimmy goes to the snooker club for a pint and a few games of snooker, as he does.
He drives from Banwell into the centre of
Jimmy looks up.
He's parked his car under a "No parking - Clamping in practice" sign.
2) Jimmy fills his car up with petrol, pulls out of the station, and drives along the A370 - A road in Britain.
He decides he to reset his mileage counter to see how many miles he's getting to a tank. He puts his hand through the steering wheel to reset the mileage. He notices a corner approaching. He turns the wheel, but finds he can't because his arm is in the way. He's wrenching at the wheel, but can't turn it any farther, because his arm's stuck. He has to straighten the steering wheel, bump off of the kerb knocking out the car's tracking, and take his arm out to get back onto the road.
3) A few years ago, Jimmy decides he wants to play darts. He throws 3 into the board, (in his garage) pulls them out, and throws them again. He gets bored of throwing 3 darts, getting up and throwing them back in again, so he decides to attach a dart to a piece of string. He throws the dart, pulls the dart back out. Throws the dart, pulls the dart back out. Throws the dart, pulls the dart back out. Hops around the room because he pulled out the dart a little too hard, it's come out of the board, and gone straight into his leg.
4) Jimmy gets drunk with the lads (Myself not included, I was stone cold sober, and had the chance to record this incident), and after the better part of 11 pints, decides he wants to dance. So he staggers onto the dance floor, finds the most stunning girl he can, and starts dancing like a complete monkey in front of her. The girl turns her back. Jimmy continues to dance. Her female companion asks - "Can't you take a hint?". Jimmy replies "Noooope. I've had 11 pints!!!" - And continues to wobble around on the spot.
5) We arrive back at Dave and Allan's place in Redland, Bristol after those 11 pints, and Jimmy gets onto the couch (1 of 3. I am on one, Simon is on another, and Jimmy is obviously on the third), and proceeds to drunkenly get undressed whilst ranting on about whatever pops into his head. I'm meanwhile recording this on my phone in a fit of laughter. When everyone's asleep, (Simon's passed out, and I'm quite tired) I hear the rustle of a plastic bag. It's Jimmy emptying his Tesco bag he used to bring his stuff in. I then hear him proceed to puke the entire contents of his stomach in this bag. Quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever heard, and to this day, I really wish I'd turned on the light, and filmed the whole thing! The following morning, he's extremely hung over. He goes out for some fresh air, inadvertently locking himself out, is sick in a skip, and comes back in after repeatedly ringing the doorbell, and someone getting up to answer it.
He then drives back, despite my asking him if he wanted me to drive. He's just feeling extremely sick now. He drops Simon back at his place in Clevedon - Just outside Bristol, gets half-way to Weston-super-Mare, pulls into a lay-by, throws up on the side of the road, and falls asleep in his car for 4 hours before waking up and going home to be sick some more.
6) Jimmy trips over a concrete step in UWE (The ones they knocked down to put the building in the way of, and are still building now), and the first thing he shouts is "Don't laugh!"
I couldn't help myself.
7) Jimmy's phone goes off in a lecture. He's got it on *loud*, and it's the theme to Star Trek. "****." Says Jimmy as he scrambles for his phone in a now not so silent lecture theatre.
8) Jimmy wanders into the lecture theatre for his morning lecture. Sits down. Puts his bag on the floor. Looks around, gets back up and walks out. He was in the wrong room, and was in a room full of people studying property law. (I was there too, so not quite so good, that one.)
9) Jimmy goes for a pee in a urinal in (Ironically) P block. He starts to pee, and mid-flow, notices the urinal isn't draining. So he cuts 'the stream', and moves over to the next one, and continues. This one's doing the same. He moves over again. Same with this one. He has to cut off the flow one more time, turn around, run into a cubicle, and finish in one of the normal toilets.
10) We'd just finished our analytical modelling exam, and it was Jimmy's turn to drive. We're waiting for Craig to finish his exam, and Dave can't help but notice a very pretty girl walking past, but with abnormally large breasts. Dave says quite loutishly - "Christ! Look at the size of those!!!". Jimmy exclaims "Jeeeeeeeeeeeeesus. They're massive tits! Like sandbags!!!". He then realises that his window is down. He pushes the switch in a panic to try to make it go back up. *WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEE*
Jimmy tries to push the window up to make it go up faster. The girl's already noted it, and is directing dagger eyes in his direction. I don't know about you, but I laughed for days.
11) We're in Weston College, asking our lecturer if he'd had the chance to mark our assignments. He accidentally drops his papers on the floor. Jimmy says "I bet you feel like a right twat now, don't you". He pauses, and then says "Hey... What did I get for my assignment?". The lecturer pauses, and says "Now? A pass".
12) Jimmy is staying over at his (now ex) girlfriend's house. They're in a double bed, and there's a double bed adjacent to them containing two of their friends, Andy and Donna. Also together.
Jimmy and Robyn think that they are asleep, so decide to get down to some serious lovin'. Robyn reaches into the drawer, and pulls out a Durex. She hands it to Jimmy, and he begins to rustle away in the dark. Eventually, he gets frustrated, and rips it clean in half flicking the condom 12 feet across the other side of the room. Instead of quietly fetching another one, by default he shouts "F**K!!", which wakes Donna and Andy up. They turn on the light. "What the hell was that?!"
* Jimmy in bed next to Robyn with an empty condom packet in his hands staring at the missile, which has landed almost exactly between the two beds! *
"Er...."
13) Jimmy needs to make a bonfire to get rid of some old trees etc. He has a 5 gallon tank of petrol to accomplish this task. He makes a heap, and pours some petrol on. He trails the petrol back 12 feet, and lights the trail. The trail of fire leads up to the fire, and whoosh. The fire lights. Sorted.
Jimmy leaves for a second, and when he comes back he notices that the fire has gone out. Over he wanders with his petrol tank (I know what you're thinking), and pours some more petrol on. Little does he know that the burning embers are still going, and whoosh - The fire goes up the stream of petrol he's pouring, and into the tank. As an impulse reaction (He seems to be doing this a lot), he throws the petrol tank away. Right next to his 1950s classic tractor. In a panic, and many explietives, he sprints over and picks the (now lit) tank back up, and throws it on the fire. The tank is fire proof, and is pouring more and more petrol onto the fire. The lit petrol is running down the slope along the mud toward him. Jimmy grabs a shovel, and starts digging a hole for the petrol to go into. He's then putting the petroleum soaked mud onto the fire, which is feeding it even more. Then the hole catches fire. Jimmy takes a step back, realises the devastation he's caused, and the 35 foot high fire he's created, not to mention the now burning hole. He runs into the house, and finds his Grandad. "Gramps.... Hypothetically speaking... If I threw 4 gallons of petrol onto a 35 foot fire, would it blow up and reach the house?". Gramps looks perplexed, and says "I'd better have a look...".
He wanders outside, and sees half the garden on fire. "Oh bugger". He says.
14) Jimmy and his friend Russell are 14. They both have air rifles (Dangerous hands for rifles, I know!), and think it's fun to shoot them at eachother to see how close they can get to eachother without hitting them. Great game! It goes on for a while, and then Russell jumps behind a bush. Without even considering the concequences, Jimmy shoots the bush! Russel jumps out the bush throwing his gun on the floor screaming “you shot me in the *ss!” Jimmy convinces him its nothing and the game should continue. A little while later Russell shoots that little bit too close. He shoots, and Jimmy ducks. It skims the top of Jimmy's head, cutting it open.
2 hours later, they're in hospital. Jimmy's official cover story while he was getting his head glued was that he was climbing a bank, fell, and hit his head on a lead pipe. Russell went to help him, and fell on a lead nail (They were using lead pellets). His Mum actually bought that Jackanory if you can believe it.
posted by Karl at
8:25 am
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