Local Derbies

Bristol City versus Bristol Rovers.

A local derby is explained well on wikipedia, as per usual.

Gang culture is alive and well in Britain.

The footballing world loves nothing more than a good fight, and a local derby is the perfect excuse. Let me set the scene for you. A third division club is playing a fourth division club, and it just so happens that these two teams are based in the same City and therefore have a reasonable rivalry, even though they haven't played eachother in a few years.

As I walk towards the football ground, I noticed that there were no less than nine police vans, parked and full of personnel.

There are several others scattered around closeby, outside a supermarket, and outside a notorious footballing pub.

As I stand in the club's carpark, there are several hundred more people than usual scattered around the retail park which is directly adjacent to the football club. Mostly teenagers.

A police motorcycle crawls around the corner, and to my absolute amazement, seven coaches full of the other team's fans are behind this police bike, and are sandwiched between an absolutely massive police escort that would make the Tony Blair feel a bit over-stated.

By the time I'm in the ground, there's a rather raucous group of away fans that've filled out their away-allocation. I'm a season ticket holder at Bristol City and most days, we attract a crowd of 11,000ish. The ground is packed. 19,000 in all, and the atmosphere is tense.

I notice that it's caused by fans who I have never seen before in the time I have attended football matches.

My point is that these people have turned up to the football for the first time to essentially hurl abuse at the away support. As the game gets underway, very little attention is paid to the game itself, and most of the atmosphere is soured by bad behaviour and setting a bad example for the children.

Nearby, a girl of no more than fifteen is being chatted up by a forty-year old man in Lee Cooper Jeans with a cheap fake-gold ear-ring. His decaying teeth produce a smokey-rancid breath that's reaching me, and I'm three rows back. I'm still close enough to hear his leery comments, and later in the game, racist remarks.

Missiles are regularly thrown by both sets of fans at players as they take corner-kicks close to the stands. Words I'd rather not say on this blog are aimed at players regardless of their performance.

I only sampled the atmosphere of one stand within the ground, but I've come to the conclusion that local derbies really does bring out the scum.

Sex lines

If you're familiar with England, you're probably going to know what a Somerset accent sounds like. People think "farmer", and that's more or less what you're getting.

If you're not familiar with the Bristolian dialect (inhabitants of Bristol, UK speak this), you should think "like a pirate". That's pretty damn close, and closer than your average Somerset accent to boot.

Imagine a pirate on a sex line.

Can you?

Eliminate the "Yarrrrr", and you'd have a Bristolian sex line. Come on, how awesome would that be?

A good example of Bristolian porn has to belong to an "adult actress" that I heard of only last week. Her name is Cathy Barry, and she's absolutely brilliant. If you're not offended by films of an adult nature, please please please check her out, because her accent in a supposedly erotic situation is absolutely obsurd.

Here endeth the gospel of Bristolian porn.