Toilet seat warmers

I just can't understand it.

Why the hell would you want a warm toilet seat?

Allow me to elaborate.

I think my fear of warm toilet seats stems from being in some sort of queue for a toilet cubicle and seeing the guy who was just in there make a swift exit. Perhaps he's mopping his brow a little from the strains of the movement endured, or maybe he's got a smug grin on his face because he knows you're now entering the zone of punished porcelain.

Either way, you're aware that cheeks previous have touched that toilet seat. Your awareness is re-enforced when your own cheeks touch the seat and the warmth of that previous person and other previous people's stay is still escaping the seat and now touching your cheek-skin.

Why would you want to party to that? More importantly, why would you want to replicate that feeling with a toilet seat warmer?

Hear me now people. Cold seats are winners.

Insecurity

Guess where I am? That's right, on the train.

Imagine that you're watching people board an already busy train, and that you're sat at a table seat with a seat spare next to you.

The train starts to populate, and you're sat on your tod expecting some smelly git to sit next to you.

But nobody does.

Is that because you're a smelly git? Is it because you look funny? Am I a serial killer now?

Tell you what, for nobody to sit next to you on a train that's packed, you've got to have something wrong with you.

Then someone sits next to you, and relief overwhelms you that you don't stink of fox urine. You don't look (too much) like a serial killer, and the fact of the matter is that 90% of the train haven't even noticed that you're acting slightly insecure.

Nobody else felt this on occasion? Nope? Just me.

Give up your seat

I'm sat on the train, and an elderly chap gets on two stations up. I wait for a second to see if anybody offers him their seat, and they don't.

I offer him a seat, and he very politely declined!

I've never seen anything like this happen before, as usually it's a race against time to pile onto the train and take your seat from the nearest person, physically disabled or not. It is then their personal mission to hang on to their seat for their life's worth.

This chap wasn't interested and that's fair enough, although it did spark a question in my head.

What's the age and / or physical barrier limit before you offer a person your seat? More importantly, what if they're under that barrier?

Can somebody really be offended by the fact that you're offering them your seat?

"What? Do you think I'm too old to stand? I don't want your pity."

Or do they treat it as it's intended; a polite gesture that should leave you with a greater faith in human nature as a whole.

I can guarantee you that there are people in both camps.

The ultimatum

Before I begin, we should establish that you're not going to win this one.

From the scenario I decribe, there is no get-out clause, and there is no right choice.

I was stood on an absolutely packed train this morning, along with a lot of other people. There was a woman to my right, and a man to my left. Both were stood up, and that is all of the "stood-up carriage" that I could see.

A seat frees up behind me as we arrive at a new station, and nobody takes it immediately. I put on my diplomacy hat, and get to work.

Ladies first. "Would you like a seat?" I ask.
"No thankyou, I'm comfortable as I am." she says.

Chap to my left who's close to the seat next.
"Would you like to sit there? You're a bit closer than I am."
"No thanks mate, I'm getting off in one stop anyway. I should just take it yourself if I were you."

So I take the seat with a grateful smile on my face.

Immediately I catch the eye of a woman who is stood up and out of my range of view when I was stood.

She's eyeing me up with a sort of dirty look that you would give someone who just put their finger somewhere unpleasant and unnecessary and put it under their nose.

I avoid eye-contact, but notice her coat. She is stood fully-frontally to me, and as a result I have no aspect of her side-profile. She is wearing a coat with a tie that goes just under her chest and above most of her belly.

Immediately it strikes me that it's fairly likely she's pregnant, and that I should offer her my seat.

Is she pregnant though? I have no way of telling. If I stand and check, I make the riskiest move of my journey due to:

a) Losing my seat.
b) Looking like a bloke who just stood up and checked out a woman's gut.

If I ask "Excuse me, are you pregnant? Would you like to sit here?" I risk a punch in the face due to an ill-fitting coat.

She has several people around her who she could ask to move, but she chooses to look 3 rows in front, directly at me with a look of disgust on her face.

Like I said, there's no right and no wrong answer.

I stayed in my seat. Sod her.