My morning routine

It never goes to plan.

Even though my routine is exactly that, it is always a routine of regular mistakes and mishaps.

To illustrate this, I've collated a list of events that happen most mornings.

• Wake up, switch off the radio, sit up-right, and activate the same creaky spring that wakes my girlfriend up every morning.


• Put my slippers on whilst catching a sock, a t-shirt or some jeans in them in the process. This takes 20-25 seconds, even though they're slip-ons.


• Walk downstairs into the kitchen, and go to get the cereal. Rice Crispies. Promptly open the wrong cupboard. Open the right cupboard. Get the cereal, milk it, and go watch TV until 6:15.


• Get into the bathroom, and close the door. Realise the light switch is on the outside of the bathroom. Open the door. Turn on the light. Blind my dozing girlfriend. Close the door.


• Get naked. Turn on the shower, and step in. Only when my feet are wet, do I realise I've forgotten to get a towel.


• Get out of shower with wet feet. Go through (now naked and cold) to the airing cupboard to collect a towel.


• Get in the shower, now with said towel outside.


• Whilst washing with the soap, drop it at least twice at all costs.


• Hit my elbow against either the wall or the temperature guage, or both. This inevitably makes the water inhospitable because it's too hot, or too cold. Re-adjust. Hit it again. Re-adjust, and then drop the soap. Ad infinitum.


• Dry myself off and brush my teeth.

By now, my routine has worn off, and I'm awake enough to shake off the absent-mindedness and continue with the rest of my day.

I hope that next time you do something really stupid in the morning that you do quite regularly, you'll think of this blog, and curse me for being so darn observant.

Cereal Hypotheses

The following hypothesese assume that you as the reader are aware of the cereal product Cornflakes.

As you eat your bowl of Cornflakes in the morning, you will have undoubtedly at some point come across a burnt flake. It's much darker than the others, and is easily identifiable.

I was thinking the other day about the social issues of the burnt Cornflake. It's always pushed to the top when you pour out your Cornflakes, and I think it's more than co-incidence.

I think it's because the other Cornflakes have mixed emotions about it that they would rather not have. They would rather push that Cornflake to the surface and out of the way so that they don't have to confront their own self-doubts about conformity.

That little Cornflake is pushed to the surface and is then picked out by the fussy cereal eater in control of the bowl.

That little Cornflake will never realise its true potential as a tasty cereal because of a circumstance beyond its control.

Sound familiar?

Anyway, suppose there was a place for these little flakes of corn to go to rehabilitate, and to regain some sense of self-worth. Suppose there was a cleansing factory where they could go to once again be tasty and to be allowed a second chance at life with milk.

Its name indicates the provision of a sense of self-worth but without patronising its customers. The flakes look different to regular cornflakes because of the rehabilitation process. They come out of it as better flakes overall.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Special K.

Because they really are special, and they deserve a second chance.